The Neopolitan Code
Good Evening,
Yes, Joy you are correct that I should post more often but to what was the pouldeau reference I am not sure. It was however excellent spelling of a rather obscure term. A pouldeau is one step better or worse than a dogree(sp?)? One Mardi Gras several years ago, I met a guy who introduced himself as Dogree. I am not sure whether this was his God-given name but I'd imagine that being named Dogree is like ten times worse than being a boy named Sue. I suspect that he may have been transgendered.
The timeliness of my postings, I shall work on. I am still a bit reluctant or apprehensive of this particular vehicle of media however, every time that I call a press conference nobody shows up. Well, except for that guy from the Pink Hood, which as I am sure you know is the homosexual faction of the Ku Klux Klan. Their reporter makes me very uncomfortable and I suspect him of being a social deviant of some sort.
And No, you do not wish to know the derivation of Big Tuna. I can imagine telling you and visualize you closing your eyes and shaking your head slightly in dissatisfaction. You know, that ever so slight shaking thing that you and our mother do? It is kind of like an aging Richard Prior on awards night.
And you, the Anonymous H-Dogg are a racist bastard but one funny muthafucker just the same. Anonymous H-Dogg reminds me of that jewelry store in the Fat City of our youth. It had huge letters painted across the side of the building that read, "Genuine Faux Pas Diamonds." I love that term. It is like fresh sour cream to me.
In today's Times Pickyernose Aaron Broussard unveiled the all new and improved "Doomsday Plan" for Jefferson Parish. Allow me to paraphrase;
Jefferson Parish President Aaron Broussard unveiled on Wednesday drafts of his overhauled "doomsday plan," a set of detailed policies that attempt to keep pump operators and other essential employees as close to their work stations as safely as possible during hurricanes.
Broussard offered up the plans for comments from council members and the public until he finalizes them in April. The policies are expected to be the most significant revisions to the parish's previous emergency plan that ordered crews to evacuate to Washington Parish, a 110-mile journey that was into the direct storm path of Katrina kind of like when that goofy chiropractor that lived around the corner from me as a child evacuated his family from Metairie to Biloxi for Hurricane Camille and when faced with the idiocy of that plan remained on the coast and scrambled to Pensacola Beach, an area that was still lambasted by Camille. Contrary to Broussard's numerous explanations for pump operators being evacuated that include numerous conflicting causes for flooding in East Jefferson, most residents and engineers believe that all flooding in East Jefferson was to some degree the result of surge water blowing through the unmanned pump stations and could have been avoided largely had operators been in place.
As they stare down hurricane season, parish officials rarely miss an opportunity to declare as a top priority finding safe lodging for essential employees inside the parish.
The plan is the elaborate sort of preparation that everyone in the Parish thought already existed for the potential threat of the Big One coming to Metry. It is a monumental undertaking that Broussard is certain can be completed by the June 15th start of Hurricane Season. It is funny really in a deeply sickening funny sort of way that the media reports nearly everyday of new major infrastructural improvement that will be complete by June 15th. The entire Metro area will be better prepared for a storm by June 15th than it was prior to Katrina. Am I the only one who has noticed only very small or meager accomplishment in the last 7 months but we are going to be the envy of Holland and Japan when it comes to flood protection in less than 3 months?
June 15th, 2006 or June 15th, 3006?
The Jefferson Doomsday Plan was rolled out by Aaron Broussard, Dr. Walter Maestri and Deano Banano. It involves constructing safe houses for essential employees on both sides of the River.
Dr. Walter Maestri, whose original name is Wilhelm Merkwurdigliebe but changed it after his father was indicted to the Nuremberg Tribunals is Emergency Preparedness Director for the Parish. He envisions 4 safehouses on each side of the River. Each will be able to house not only the much reveled pump operators but also other essential personnel. They will be located above the 3rd floor of structures that can withstand Category 5 Hurricane force winds. These "safehouses" will be stocked with long term supplies of survival needs in the event that the Big One may actually one day enter the Mouth of the Mississippi and flood roughly every neighborhood on the River's floodplain south of Memphis Tennessee.
The Big One
In preparing for the storm that Katrina almost was, Maestri acknowledged that in addition to supplying immediate and essential service that these safehoused personnel will be required to repopulate the Parish after it is dewatered of the estimated 25 ft of water that will occupy the area following the Big One. The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers estimates that it will take 97 years to dewater Jefferson following the Big One but anyone who has paid attention to Corps estimates before, during, or after Katrina's landfall knows that it will more likely be a matter of months. However, the length of time needed to dewater the Parish will be irrelevent since anyone outside of the safehouses that does not evacuate will perish.
Safehouses
The safehouses will be equipped with flotation devices and rafts should the occupants need to evacuate from rising water. Each resident will have enough personal space to lie comfortably and also to store their personal container of human waste. In another plan, Broussard intends to sponsor a referendum that requires all residents of the Parish during a declared state of emergency to be required to retain at all times their own "personal human waste." When asked, Broussard did confirm that he, in fact, is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. The safehouses will require being staffed with persons not only well trained in their individual essential specialty for instance pump operators but will also be chosen for their ability to properly repopulate the Parish.
The Chosen
Safehouse residents will be chosen on their individual outstanding physical and mental attributes. In addition to performing an essential task, women will be chosen who are of child bearing age and possess "highly pleasing sexual characteristics," men will be chosen who are highly intelligent and physically well above average. "Sadly, we will have to suspend statutes regarding monogamy as it will become necessary for the chosen to breed prodigiously to properly repopulate the Parish with true Jeffersonians" said Maestri with a slight Bavarian accent.
Deano Banano elaborated further on the development of the Safehouses. Banano whose family name in the old country was Banana and was changed after his ancestors arrived at Ellis Island and found that people just did not take them seriously. The Bananas have had many reformist ideas on good government in the new world including one that would run government as a business by turning over all power to the highly respected Sicilian multi-national conglomerate La Cosinostro. In later years, the Bananas, now the Bananos, fostered a program for better physical hygiene in New York's Little Italy that required residents to wear under garments. When faced with the difficulty of enforcing the under garment requirement, they proposed that everyone must wear their undergarments on the outside of their clothes for ease of enforcement. It can only be viewed as a matter of destiny that Giuseppe Banana's great-grandson Deano Banano would hook up with Broussard and Maestri to complete the unholy trinity.
The Safehouse Gap
Banano, said that the exact number of safehouses and chosen must be kept secret due largely to the fear that the City of New Orleans will follow Jefferson's lead and develop safehouses of their own. The New Orleans safehouses will likely be staffed with persons of a less desirable nature that could lead to an imbalance of genetic perfection in the Metropolitan post-Big One era. Bonano said, "we must be careful not to loose our lead in what will surely become a recognized safehouse gap. We have a duty to ensure that Jefferson and the entire Metro area continues enjoying vanilla ice cream in at least the same quantity that they were prior to the Big One."
The Neopolitan Code
After 400 years or so of undoing the rather back-asswards guidelines of the Napoleonic Code, Louisiana immediately upon finally disavowing the Napoleonic Code adopted the Neopolitan Code by which all residents must only enjoy one flavor of ice cream. Under the formation of the Neopolitan Code, the PACs and Lobbies for Vanilla and Chocolate roughly divided the entire state by population. It was designated that the Chocolates would receive the population center of New Orleans and the Vanillas would receive the remainder of the State. The Strawberries having no organized political apparatus was relegated to accepting a sliver of Chocolate territory since politically they lean much closer to chocolate than to vanilla. The Strawberries were given, though small, the most desired property in the State, the New Orleans Vieux Carre but it was conditional that they also accept the slums of Faubourg Marigny to which they had no choice but to agree.
A rare few, rather twisted, Louisianians still insist to partake in multiple flavors. Both the Vanillas and the Chocolates had to accept these mutts. They have ended up with small pockets in New Orleans' Mid City and rural Acadiana. Curious is the idea that God prefers pure bloodlines. Perhaps the keeping track of all of his creatures is hard enough as it is or perhaps he is a vengeful God that doesnt care for those who tamper with his divine wisdom. In either case, his short-lived but very impressive creations, Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, cleansed Louisiana of all signs of these cross flavored freaks.
The Parish Council agreed on Wednesday to lease 23,500 square feet on the third and fourth floors of the Clearview Shopping Center, which would become East Jefferson's emergency operations center stocked with key supplies, equipment and boats. The parish would lease the space for $2,000 a month during the six-month hurricane season. It was unclear whether Clearview Shopping Center actually has a fourth floor and the Council did not respond when this question was raised.
Broussard said he wanted residents to review the draft documents to feel more secure. He said he would send them to civic and business groups for feedback and offer tours of the safe houses on April 6. The parish would post the plans on its Web site -- www.jeffparish.net. -- this week, Bonano said.
"You're seeing a lot more specifics in this rendition than we had in the old plans," Broussard said. "All aspects of our plans are being revised."
In Other News:
A team of federal inspectors lead by Michael Chertoff arrived at the Ernest N. Morial Convention Center today to put to rest constant rumors that it was an impromptu shelter overwhelmed with starving refugees. Upon finding no signs of anyone at one of the nation's premier convention facilities, Chertoff reiterated the White House message that New Orleans is experiencing a robust economic boom following Katrina and that clearly Brian Williams is a biased left wing propaganda spinster seeking to discredit our beloved bat-eared president with rumors of evacuees dying of dehydration. Chertoff pointed out eleven chalk outlines of human bodies on the sidewalks outside the Convention Center and wondered aloud that he hoped to see the premier of CSI-New Orleans this fall.
Yes, Joy you are correct that I should post more often but to what was the pouldeau reference I am not sure. It was however excellent spelling of a rather obscure term. A pouldeau is one step better or worse than a dogree(sp?)? One Mardi Gras several years ago, I met a guy who introduced himself as Dogree. I am not sure whether this was his God-given name but I'd imagine that being named Dogree is like ten times worse than being a boy named Sue. I suspect that he may have been transgendered.
The timeliness of my postings, I shall work on. I am still a bit reluctant or apprehensive of this particular vehicle of media however, every time that I call a press conference nobody shows up. Well, except for that guy from the Pink Hood, which as I am sure you know is the homosexual faction of the Ku Klux Klan. Their reporter makes me very uncomfortable and I suspect him of being a social deviant of some sort.
And No, you do not wish to know the derivation of Big Tuna. I can imagine telling you and visualize you closing your eyes and shaking your head slightly in dissatisfaction. You know, that ever so slight shaking thing that you and our mother do? It is kind of like an aging Richard Prior on awards night.
And you, the Anonymous H-Dogg are a racist bastard but one funny muthafucker just the same. Anonymous H-Dogg reminds me of that jewelry store in the Fat City of our youth. It had huge letters painted across the side of the building that read, "Genuine Faux Pas Diamonds." I love that term. It is like fresh sour cream to me.
In today's Times Pickyernose Aaron Broussard unveiled the all new and improved "Doomsday Plan" for Jefferson Parish. Allow me to paraphrase;
Jefferson Parish President Aaron Broussard unveiled on Wednesday drafts of his overhauled "doomsday plan," a set of detailed policies that attempt to keep pump operators and other essential employees as close to their work stations as safely as possible during hurricanes.
Broussard offered up the plans for comments from council members and the public until he finalizes them in April. The policies are expected to be the most significant revisions to the parish's previous emergency plan that ordered crews to evacuate to Washington Parish, a 110-mile journey that was into the direct storm path of Katrina kind of like when that goofy chiropractor that lived around the corner from me as a child evacuated his family from Metairie to Biloxi for Hurricane Camille and when faced with the idiocy of that plan remained on the coast and scrambled to Pensacola Beach, an area that was still lambasted by Camille. Contrary to Broussard's numerous explanations for pump operators being evacuated that include numerous conflicting causes for flooding in East Jefferson, most residents and engineers believe that all flooding in East Jefferson was to some degree the result of surge water blowing through the unmanned pump stations and could have been avoided largely had operators been in place.
As they stare down hurricane season, parish officials rarely miss an opportunity to declare as a top priority finding safe lodging for essential employees inside the parish.
The plan is the elaborate sort of preparation that everyone in the Parish thought already existed for the potential threat of the Big One coming to Metry. It is a monumental undertaking that Broussard is certain can be completed by the June 15th start of Hurricane Season. It is funny really in a deeply sickening funny sort of way that the media reports nearly everyday of new major infrastructural improvement that will be complete by June 15th. The entire Metro area will be better prepared for a storm by June 15th than it was prior to Katrina. Am I the only one who has noticed only very small or meager accomplishment in the last 7 months but we are going to be the envy of Holland and Japan when it comes to flood protection in less than 3 months?
June 15th, 2006 or June 15th, 3006?
The Jefferson Doomsday Plan was rolled out by Aaron Broussard, Dr. Walter Maestri and Deano Banano. It involves constructing safe houses for essential employees on both sides of the River.
Dr. Walter Maestri, whose original name is Wilhelm Merkwurdigliebe but changed it after his father was indicted to the Nuremberg Tribunals is Emergency Preparedness Director for the Parish. He envisions 4 safehouses on each side of the River. Each will be able to house not only the much reveled pump operators but also other essential personnel. They will be located above the 3rd floor of structures that can withstand Category 5 Hurricane force winds. These "safehouses" will be stocked with long term supplies of survival needs in the event that the Big One may actually one day enter the Mouth of the Mississippi and flood roughly every neighborhood on the River's floodplain south of Memphis Tennessee.
The Big One
In preparing for the storm that Katrina almost was, Maestri acknowledged that in addition to supplying immediate and essential service that these safehoused personnel will be required to repopulate the Parish after it is dewatered of the estimated 25 ft of water that will occupy the area following the Big One. The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers estimates that it will take 97 years to dewater Jefferson following the Big One but anyone who has paid attention to Corps estimates before, during, or after Katrina's landfall knows that it will more likely be a matter of months. However, the length of time needed to dewater the Parish will be irrelevent since anyone outside of the safehouses that does not evacuate will perish.
Safehouses
The safehouses will be equipped with flotation devices and rafts should the occupants need to evacuate from rising water. Each resident will have enough personal space to lie comfortably and also to store their personal container of human waste. In another plan, Broussard intends to sponsor a referendum that requires all residents of the Parish during a declared state of emergency to be required to retain at all times their own "personal human waste." When asked, Broussard did confirm that he, in fact, is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. The safehouses will require being staffed with persons not only well trained in their individual essential specialty for instance pump operators but will also be chosen for their ability to properly repopulate the Parish.
The Chosen
Safehouse residents will be chosen on their individual outstanding physical and mental attributes. In addition to performing an essential task, women will be chosen who are of child bearing age and possess "highly pleasing sexual characteristics," men will be chosen who are highly intelligent and physically well above average. "Sadly, we will have to suspend statutes regarding monogamy as it will become necessary for the chosen to breed prodigiously to properly repopulate the Parish with true Jeffersonians" said Maestri with a slight Bavarian accent.
Deano Banano elaborated further on the development of the Safehouses. Banano whose family name in the old country was Banana and was changed after his ancestors arrived at Ellis Island and found that people just did not take them seriously. The Bananas have had many reformist ideas on good government in the new world including one that would run government as a business by turning over all power to the highly respected Sicilian multi-national conglomerate La Cosinostro. In later years, the Bananas, now the Bananos, fostered a program for better physical hygiene in New York's Little Italy that required residents to wear under garments. When faced with the difficulty of enforcing the under garment requirement, they proposed that everyone must wear their undergarments on the outside of their clothes for ease of enforcement. It can only be viewed as a matter of destiny that Giuseppe Banana's great-grandson Deano Banano would hook up with Broussard and Maestri to complete the unholy trinity.
The Safehouse Gap
Banano, said that the exact number of safehouses and chosen must be kept secret due largely to the fear that the City of New Orleans will follow Jefferson's lead and develop safehouses of their own. The New Orleans safehouses will likely be staffed with persons of a less desirable nature that could lead to an imbalance of genetic perfection in the Metropolitan post-Big One era. Bonano said, "we must be careful not to loose our lead in what will surely become a recognized safehouse gap. We have a duty to ensure that Jefferson and the entire Metro area continues enjoying vanilla ice cream in at least the same quantity that they were prior to the Big One."
The Neopolitan Code
After 400 years or so of undoing the rather back-asswards guidelines of the Napoleonic Code, Louisiana immediately upon finally disavowing the Napoleonic Code adopted the Neopolitan Code by which all residents must only enjoy one flavor of ice cream. Under the formation of the Neopolitan Code, the PACs and Lobbies for Vanilla and Chocolate roughly divided the entire state by population. It was designated that the Chocolates would receive the population center of New Orleans and the Vanillas would receive the remainder of the State. The Strawberries having no organized political apparatus was relegated to accepting a sliver of Chocolate territory since politically they lean much closer to chocolate than to vanilla. The Strawberries were given, though small, the most desired property in the State, the New Orleans Vieux Carre but it was conditional that they also accept the slums of Faubourg Marigny to which they had no choice but to agree.
A rare few, rather twisted, Louisianians still insist to partake in multiple flavors. Both the Vanillas and the Chocolates had to accept these mutts. They have ended up with small pockets in New Orleans' Mid City and rural Acadiana. Curious is the idea that God prefers pure bloodlines. Perhaps the keeping track of all of his creatures is hard enough as it is or perhaps he is a vengeful God that doesnt care for those who tamper with his divine wisdom. In either case, his short-lived but very impressive creations, Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, cleansed Louisiana of all signs of these cross flavored freaks.
The Parish Council agreed on Wednesday to lease 23,500 square feet on the third and fourth floors of the Clearview Shopping Center, which would become East Jefferson's emergency operations center stocked with key supplies, equipment and boats. The parish would lease the space for $2,000 a month during the six-month hurricane season. It was unclear whether Clearview Shopping Center actually has a fourth floor and the Council did not respond when this question was raised.
Broussard said he wanted residents to review the draft documents to feel more secure. He said he would send them to civic and business groups for feedback and offer tours of the safe houses on April 6. The parish would post the plans on its Web site -- www.jeffparish.net. -- this week, Bonano said.
"You're seeing a lot more specifics in this rendition than we had in the old plans," Broussard said. "All aspects of our plans are being revised."
In Other News:
A team of federal inspectors lead by Michael Chertoff arrived at the Ernest N. Morial Convention Center today to put to rest constant rumors that it was an impromptu shelter overwhelmed with starving refugees. Upon finding no signs of anyone at one of the nation's premier convention facilities, Chertoff reiterated the White House message that New Orleans is experiencing a robust economic boom following Katrina and that clearly Brian Williams is a biased left wing propaganda spinster seeking to discredit our beloved bat-eared president with rumors of evacuees dying of dehydration. Chertoff pointed out eleven chalk outlines of human bodies on the sidewalks outside the Convention Center and wondered aloud that he hoped to see the premier of CSI-New Orleans this fall.
posted by Big Tuna at 7:39 PM
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